A Raw Recipe

INGREDIENTS
You will need:

- a full line up of faces and heels
- a healthy measure of over-excitement
- a special guest appearance
- several large doses of Elimination Chamber promos
- a quart of blood (preferably of the nose)
- natty pop culture references (mostly Superbowl, if available)
- three cups of funny fan signage
- squirty cream/hairspray/something misty that looks incredibly dramatic on camera
- medium to large facial expressions ranging from sadistic to ecstatic
- a new line of merchandise
- a twist of lime (for decoration)

METHOD:

NOTE: It is vitally important that one adds a pinch of promo at each stage of this recipe.

* Begin by blindsiding audience with Vince McMahon. Pepper in an announcement about a mystery guest host. Leave to stew until next Monday.
* Whip up all your roster into an alarming frenzy - including your announce team. Have Cole mellow into a near bearable human being. Then bring out The Miz utensil.
* Add an unexpected splash of claret to really heat things up.
* Stir up audience sympathies via your Lawler Kingstomatic 2000.
* Use your most recent PPV winner (in new Eagle pants) to deflate those 'that guy shoulda won' rumours.
* Drop in a hint of Taker.
* Throw in some Smackdown mentions for flavour, but remember to remove in two minutes (otherwise they will overpower the formula).
* Parboil Cena until soft. Then immediately cool for a tough but tasty exterior (if this is to your liking).
* Blend. Add zest.

Serves 1 - 80 million fans worldwide (approx)

Enjoy with a frosty one.

Hollywood Matters

I am going to start making a log of Matt Striker's intertextual references to films. The man has been on fire recently, and it's all very hilarious.

PS/ Any mention of 'The Chaperone' does not count.

Whodunnit?

Poor old Teddy Long. 'Blunt trauma to the back of the head' sure has a vicious ring to it. I fear the culprit who attacked our dearly beloved Smackdown GM may take a while to reveal themselves however, and everyone's looking in the general direction of the new CORRE. I'm hoping there's an acronym in there somewhere, as the extra R seems a tad redundant. Cocky Operatives Recently Raw Expelled? No, probably not. Still, they've gone and denied it and their intentions to aid the lovely (ahem) Vickie seemed genuine. So who is it that's gone and hospitalised our very own top playa? Here are some hypotheses on the matter, while my little grey cells are awake...

* There are a lot of Raw/Smackdown crossovers going on at the moment, so it might be a shady figure working with or for the anonymous Raw GM. You know, just to cement his imminent revelation as 'kind of a big deal'.

* As Cole alluded to, in a rare moment of clarity (before resuming total cowardice), Vickie may have something to gain from taking Teddy out. She's gotten a little used to the taste of power in the last few weeks, and her blinding lust for Dolph might be driving her towards violent tendencies. All hail Dark Vickie?

* It's a well loved babyface superstar turning heel. What a way to go.

Okay, so they're not exactly mind boggling or controversial, but hey, I couldn't just turn around and say 'It's Vince reclaiming his top spot' or something equally ridiculous.

Wait a minute...that would be cool.

RAW-yal Rumble Rumours

WHAT A RAW! I, for one, thoroughly enjoyed myself. Cena was on top form in the opening promo, trading jibes back and forth with The Miz and everyone was a little overexcited. Bless.

- John Morrison and Daniel Bryan made everyone else look bad.
- The Bella's maintain that they are a bit strumpety. A hair pulling match is probably on the cards. Oh goody, won't we all be looking forward to that.
- For one second it looked like Batista had returned to join the Nexus, but the absence of tattoos made us all look twice. Sources indicate that it's this rather startling chap ...

http://www.gladiatorszone.co.uk/gladiators/new/male/goliath

...which is awesome because it means that:

A: there are probably going to be some border straddling UK rivalries worked into the storylines at some point this year (Drew vs Wade vs Sheamus vs Barri), which will obviously only help national sentiments towards one another.
B: my friend gets to say that she went to school with this guy.
C: they are probably going to have to add a subtitle track to every wrestling programme from here on out.

We also discovered that it's going to be a forty man rumble this year. I might have done a little dance Too Cool style round my living room, but that would be telling.

PS/ I forgot to mention this the other week, but it was hilarious, so kudos to the commentary team for referring to something terrible by saying, 'That was Shockmaster bad'. EL OH EL.

And the Lord said 'Let There Be Smackdown'...and there was.

- I find it astounding how familiar Matt Striker is with classic cars. I know the man has an encyclopedic knowledge of move sets , specials and lockdowns, but crikey, you'd think he was reading this stuff of a piece of paper or something.

- MYSTERY SOLVED: Skip Sheffield swapped places with Ezekiel Jackson.

- Beth Phoenix is wasted in the Divas division.

- It's nice to see Wade Barrett smiling a bit more.

- That Trent Barreta chap looks like a promising addition to the high flyers roster.

- Edge has the most fabulous head of hair of anyone alive in the world today.

0123 HOURS

Yes, that's what time it is here and I should be in bed. But I'm a grown up and can do whatever the hell I want. Like drink my housemate's silly pink wine and sum up my feelings about RAW on Monday, the only 10th of January this year...

* Vocal - Altogether now ''Ahh! Ahh! I think I'm cute...etc etc''
* Not surprised - Shawn Michaels is being inducted into the Hall of Fame this year.
* Mildly amused - Shawn Michaels superkicks Alberto del Rio right in those well maintained teeth.
* Mildly traumatised - because I didn't think threatening suicide was PG-13 approved viewing, CM Punk.
* Mildly attracted - to CM Punk.
* Confused - what did happen to Skip Sheffield? Did he implode under his own quadropedical biceptories? (not scientifically accurate).
* Hopeful - that Justin Gabriel will branch out on his own now and have a super rivalry with Evan Bourne. High flyers a-go-go!
* Slightly disturbed - by the size of Randy Orton's thighs in proportion to the rest of his body.
* Wishful - why can't there be a decent tag team division?
* Irritated - shut up Cole.

That seems to be all for now.