You Either Surf Or You Fight

Now, I'm not one to question things too often, largely because asking 'why' like a curious yet impertinent child every ten seconds tends to lead to being smacked round the leggies and means no sweeties for a week. However, I feel that for the sanity of everyone watching current WWE programming, I should question why they feel the need to refer to a particular bird-themed social media outlet every seven minutes. I understand that it's important to utilise modern technology, sure. I even understand why they've used Cole as 'Loudmouth Chief of the Twits' but for the love of Godfather, is it really necessary to harp on about what's trending (not sure if actual word) at every opportunity? That said, I think I've got a pretty good handle on the matter and though I really don't want to brag, I have noticed a direct correlation between 'trending topics' and 'whoever the person currently on my screen is'. Take that rocket science. I am a #genius.

Though the words 'Mick Foley' and 'disappointed' should never ever appear in the same sentence together, I must say the re-introduction of our favourite hardcore legend on the Raw Special seemed a little like it had been left out in the rain, far from home and hungry. Generally speaking, being hastily interviewed by a sartorially skewed (read: questionable tank top), yet beaming Matt Striker and later having to repeat a not-so-fantastic-the-first-time-round segment in which approximately no-one is having a good time is not the way I would have had at it. At least the promo team had a little less work to do this week as I'm pretty sure the instructions for the This Is Your Life video segment read: run John Cena Experience DVD. In any case, the Rock got a good pop for ending the bloody thing and looked like a total badass, which I suppose was the whole point. Marks to Cena for allowing himself to be ribbed and gain even more heat in the run up to Survivor Series. Also, because he kind of giggled when Rocky dropped Foley in the middle of the ring.

I see a lot of people have got their new Winter coats, and am glad that no-one seems to be wearing anything remotely fashionable, thus are thoroughly in keeping with wrestling tradition. King's t-shirts and Otunga's bow-ties get honourable mentions on account of their godawfulness. Zack Ryder's New York pants on the other hand, are absolutley inspired, and given that there are few people sensational enough to sport the Statue of Liberty so close to their derriers, suit him down to a T (or should that be Z). Barrett also has some rather excellent blue tights, with a logo that incorporates both a 'B' and an anchor. Hmm...a comment on current socio/political climates perhaps. It would work to his advantage as a heel... ''I'm a naughty banker...wuugghh''...I could see that. Thank heavens they didn't go with the 'W' and the anchor *Titter*
I really shouldn't mock the man (though he makes it so easy when making Charlie Sheen references 6 months too late) because he is so darned impressive at the moment. One to watch in the next few years, you mark my words. MARK THEM!!

In Diva news...
- the Bella's continue to act like role models to young girls by putting their breasts about in the genral vicinity of Alberto Del Rio.
- roll-up pinning combos: Natalya and Beth's only weakness!
- Alicia Fox has a furry hat!
- Kelly Kelly was in Maxim and it is entirely appropriate to PG programming to show her getting all sexy with a car in her pants! (Also on this point: it's apparently fine to say 'mangina' around impressionable youngsters).
- Kaitlyn shows a little promise.
- AJ is made of pipe cleaners, which is the only way to explain how her body survived that horrific sharpshooter.
- Aksana got Teddy Long all hot under the collar with a selction of euphemisms that were about as subtle as 'Do Me'.

Ricardo Rodriguez is a really superb valet and I hope he sticks around for a good long while. Even if he doesn't stay with Del Rio, though he seems very content as the put-upon announcer, he's got a sort of likeability (like a pet that still loves you even though you've kicked it a lot) that could lead on to great things for him. I might be a bit biased, but I like the idea of managers and valets a lot. It harks back to that mystical 'old school' we all dream about and can sometimes add an extra dimension to characters and storylines. Take Vickie, for example. Still going strong despite having to have her vocal chords replaced evey third appearance. That said, and not wanting to back track, I really would love it if Ziggler had some more mic time. He really is that damn good.

I'm very aware that I haven't mentioned one Mr Mark Henry much in the last few months. I've done a bit of a U-turn on my feelings about the chap and have got to say I'm pretty won over by his run as Heavyweight champ. He's worked hard for a long time, has kept his character tight and been great in the ring with a lot of different guys. The Daniel Bryan (now with extra beard!) match was unexpectedly entertaining (though I thought Big Show was going to turn heel for a split second) and the Sheamus matches were pretty good. I really like that Henry is hanging onto the title at any cost, even going so far as to get himself disqualified at Survivor Series, but he's determined and massive and scary and those three things together make for some good watching. Barricade smash! Ring smash! Big Show smash! SMAAAASH!

I think we can all safely say that Mason Ryan enjoys seeing how far he can throw people-shaped things.

Cody Rhodes is fixed in the face but not in the brain. Some say he has been 'e-mask-ulated' by Orton *chuckle*

Given Sin Cara's injury at Survivor Series, I reckon the WWE might be kicking themselves a bit for revealing Hunico's identity so soon. They absolutley could have kept the doppelganger angle going a little bit longer. Interesting how Hunico's style has altered pretty dramatically since shedding the lucha togs. Not sure how to feel about this guy yet.

No-one in the crowd of Raw knew who or what Bull Buchanan was and made me feel old and want to ring up my equally aged friends to ensure I didn't make him up.

Christian would look funnier if he had one of those cones around his neck that you use on animals when they're not supposed to lick their stitches. Just saying.

The anti-bullying campaign 'BA Star' is being executed in such a professional way that you wouldn't even think twice about Cole's continual mocking of JR as just a bunch of fat jokes.

Well, Dwayne proved he's still got it, Punk won the WWE title, Truth shows no fondess for pigeons and apparently there's a new video game out. That reminds me, I reckon I could make a heck of an accurate Vickie G in the Smackdown! Know Your Role character creation. I think that about wraps everything up in a schoolboy nicely.

Don't forget to check this little tidbit out for a slice of anticipation...

It Begins...


Awesome.

Waiting to Capitalise.

So, that last post was a little lacklustre to say the least. It was a thinly veiled attempt at a post, a lame duck distracting you from my complete failure at being on the ball the last few weeks. BUT, in true Laurinaitis style, I shall win you over by first rasping an apology, offending Mexico and then giving you JR back...




..you are so welcome.

Anyhoops, this is how things are going down right now in my version of the world. Bear in mind, if you please, that as of this exact moment I have not watched Vengeance, but this will be rectified once the grown ups are out and I don't have to explain why the men in pants are fighting again.

Randy Orton teased us a little while ago with a sort of change of tact, going from regularly functioning psycho to happy, 'look what I maimed, Ma' relatable psycho. Not a big change, I know, but a change nonetheless. It was pretty funny actually, and summed up most notably during the Summerslam match with Christian, where he gave a big ol' bloody thumbs up to the camera while grinning like a merry maniac. Bet that went down well with the board. It seemed he worked it like this for a while - even doing a highly uncharacteristic jig during a Smackdown match - and was generally having a jolly rumpus of a time, until a couple of weeks ago where he reverted back to stage 1 psychosis (see above for details) and then went off the chart and into FULL BLOWN SOCIOPATH WITH MURDEROUS INTENT territory. At this point, I'd like to stop talking about Orton, because I fully believe the man might be watching me from the garden and I'm scared.

Did that curtain just twitch? I want my mum.

Now to Raw ruminations. As little fun as it is to discuss guest hosts beyond the inevitable mumbles of inadequacy and 'I think they missed the point'-ness of it all, I would like to congratulate one Mister Huge Ackman on his appearance. I think the man is either a fan or he did his homework. Either way, thanks for not making me want to die with embarrassment for you. Playing him off against Vickie and her harem Zig Swag (you just wait and see) and pairing him with Ryder was inspired. Nailed the tone as accurately as he nailed Ziggler with that *slightly* too realistic looking sock to the jaw. Approved.

How about this COO debacle then? To be perfectly honest, John Laurinaitis bores me and all I really want to do when he appears on the screen is shout his name out in a poorly imitated version of his voice and check my phone to see if he's texting me. He never is. There's a little bit of me that's wondering if this nonsense is going to pan out like the suspiciously AWOL Raw GM angle did, but that would be really idiotic on the company's part wouldn't it? Fool me once, WWE, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame...us o'shaunessy? I never did get the hang of that idiom.

On the upside, CM Punk and Triple H are totally doing that 'respecting each other' thing and teaming up to take on the traitors/ref bullies/corporate moles of R-Truth and The Miz. This pairing is working out really, really well for the older members of the WWE Universe who, I'm pretty sure, as one hive-mind think that it is supremely kick ass. And, they're right. Largely because a) it may lead to some potentially great wrestling matches b) Punk was allowed to commentate again and c) the universe held a shared mental image of Hunter wrestling a broom stick in just his undercrackers and dress shoes. What is more fabulous than that?

'Air Boom' - really kids? Really? You'll have to deal with the shame of inflicting that name upon us in years to come and you'll deserve the anguish it causes you. The hive mind does not forget. And neither will you.

Is it just me, or does every 'One From the Vault' match on Smackdown have Chris Jericho in it? Don't get me wrong, this is great, but I'm starting to read into it in one of two very differing ways depending on what mood I'm in...
Scenario 1: He's never coming back but they don't want us to forget him.
Scenario 2: He's coming back and they don't want us to forget him.
The former makes me want to cry myself to sleep at night, the latter makes me so excited I want to wee. How oddly the body is affected by emotion.

So Kelly Kelly's turning heel, is that right? I'd be interested, but the woman has the personality of a beached Magikarp and the voice of a dial-up connection. In other Diva news, Gail Kim went back to TNA. Read into that what you will.

Right, dinner's ready and Vengeance is on at nine. I'm going to write some notes while I'm watching so I can ignore them in time for the next post. Enjoy your evening wrestle hounds. Your new mission, if you choose to accept it, is to be astounded by as many ordinary things as you can and shout 'OH...MY...GOODNESS' a la Booker T at every possible everyday occurrence.

Have a nice day.

Coming Clean

Firstly, I've been a lazy ass. I could blame lack of content, but that's simply not true, so I'm going to blame Chavo getting let go instead. Now...back to the action.

Things have been hotting up in a serious way. I think it all started when Dolph Ziggler changed his hair to a moody black. Things got a little strained for a while, only to pop back with a big bang and hoo-hah, of which I believe everyone is a fan. Now he's back to his gloriously blonde bonce, promo-ing like a pro with Vickie in tow (yo) and summer is in full swing.

Now, I'm not sure if HQ hired some new creative, but something tasty has been injected into the writing of late. A syringe full of old school fan-friendliness perhaps. I'm imagining the team sitting round the table all with squirrelly cheeks stuffed full of the nuts they've been saving all throughout Winter and Spring, and now we're finally getting a chance to gnaw on the goodies. Convoluted metaphor? Why yes, captain. Seems that someone up there appreciates the classics though.

I'm referring mostly, of course, to the CM Punk angle that is quote/unquote ''so hot right now''. There's so much planning gone into this storyline, it's easy to see why the last couple of months have been a bit lacking. I can't even begin to describe all of the brilliance that's helped make this happen, but in essence, it's taken Punk from almost repugnant heel to the saviour he always said he'd be. Amen. I love that Vince has okayed this angle, and opened up this juicy can of worms for all of us to see. His direct involvement seems to further cement his belief in it. Breaking kayfabe just got promoted to prime time. Boom baby.

Decent tag team action has been in abundance lately. Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase being back together makes me a rather happy chappy and this, coupled with their winning of things makes for swell televisual treats. Cody is still rocking the nutso persona, though I think his paper bag handling cronies could look a little more 'into it' when dishing out those lovingly crafted masks. Maybe they've had to spend hours making them...sweat shop style. And think about all those trees that had to be cut down. Man, this post just got political. Pah...wrestling and politics. What a silly thought.

Another merry psycho we've noticed a lot of lately has been the charming young R-Truth. Personally, I'm quite glad they've chosen to forego the seriously deranged in favour of the comedic crazy. It works better for him and he looks like he's very much enjoying it. It allows him to fluff his lines and get away with it too. Y'know, cause he's all insane and stuff. Just not AS insane as Mark Henry (who, I'm pretty sure, is a Titan). Oddly, now that R-Truth has foregone his music, Vladimir Kozlov seems to have inherited some.

There's been so much actual real-life, gosh-darn decent wrestling recently it's hard to pick out just a few matches to talk about. So I won't. But, credit where credits due, I think the surge in new talent makes the veterans think about upping their game and pushing for spots that remind us why they're there. It's not just for the specials or move sets, but for their in-ring savvy and mat psychology. The stuff that makes us go 'ooh' and 'ahh'. Sadly, I no longer 'ooh' at a 619 or an AA or an RKO. These new energetic matches however, they make me go 'ooh'. Some of them even make me go 'woo woo woo'.

And finally:

Sgt. Slaughter and Evan Bourne aren't natural tag team buddies.

Mike McGillicutty's back!

Chris Jericho is appearing in an awful lot of the Money in the Bank trailers.

Alex Riley is actually quite good.

Sheamus is on fire (...not a ginger joke...).

Tamina looks largely pissed that she's been made to dress like a Diva and lose to AJ. But AJ plays the XBox and only boys play the XBox so it's ok to lose to her because she's like, totally a tom boy. Bite me.

I love you WWE.

Go Long...a weighty catch up.

Apologies for going AWOL, but one does not simply walk into Mordor. Sorry, not Mordor...London.

Without dredging up the past, I feel I should mention a couple of things before normal broadcast resumes.

Wrestlemania was not the best or the worst. I had a very wordy draft about this and could go on, but I feel there were enough critiques of the event without me sticking my splintered oar in. Highlight: Cody Rhodes' new entrance (comic book villain extraordinaire) and The Miz's pre-match trail package. Awesome. Lowlight: Lawler/Cole. Well...just Cole. The less said about the subsequent JR humiliations and knighthoods the better. It was bordering on Boogeyman/Lillian mole territory. Not suitable for vegetarians or royalists.

The Hall of fame was really very good. Drew Carey getting inducted by Kane was swell, the partially posthumously awarded Road Warriors were gracious and Hunter and Shawn had a right old love-in. As did everyone else at the party. And and and...The Miz was sitting next to Maryse and possibly grazing her thigh *snicker*.

Edge retired and it was like cry-a-long-a-wrestling for a while. But it nicely segued into a Christian/Del Rio feud. Christian deserved that title for longer than it took Orton to run away with it. Again.

CM Punk has a plethora of coloured pants. The PPV ones match his Nexus t-shirt. I don't know why this is important.

R-Truth turned heel on the UK dates, perhaps in one of the most awkward exchanges between humans ever witnessed. Jo-Mo is taking a break, possibly to abscond the Prince of Parkour throne. Some British bird by the commentary table was screaming, ''THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!'' when Truth was waving his naughty naughty cigarette everywhere. well done that woman.

Something Bella won the Diva's Championship and guerilla style backstage footage seems to suggest a little hostility between some of the ladies in the locker room. To me, it appeared that Gail Kim, Tamina, Beth and Natty were consciously separating themselves from the others (by way of punching them in the face and telling them to learn how to wrestle)...but I might have been dreaming. Fingers still crossed for the re-introduction of the women's belt though. I wonder which road the recently estranged LayCool will take. Kharma's a b*tch ain't it! NB: I will run out of Kharma puns eventually.

Mr Vince came out of his coma to wish The Rock a very happy birthday. Everyone else was almost put into a coma because some genius decided to book some godawful popstrels to perform. And Paul Walker. Ron Simmons saved everything.

The draft didn't help those brand confusion matters.

Kane and Big Show are tagger champs, but Mason Ryan is quite scary too and may adopt the Orton-inspired 'Way of the Psycho'. I fully expect him to have a rabid animal inspired moniker in the next month or so.

Dolph Ziggler is serious now and therefore has dark hair to prove it. I liked his old persona, but the man's a great asset, so I hope the new one works for him.

One final thing...if you are a bully, then the WWE hates you. This is no way ironic.

On with the music.

Bad Kharma

Awesome Kong trails are awesome. Bring me Divas...mash 'em, boil 'em, stick 'em in a stew.

Showdowns and Rawhides

Top eleven-ish things we've learnt this week...

1. Trish Stratus wears teeny tiny undercrackers (nice work cameraman #3) and her and JoMo are probably doing it (WILD SPECULATION AFOOT).
2. Dolph Ziggler continues to be absolutely hilarious and brilliant (see right --->)
3. It is important to always have the mute button ready whenever Michael Cole appears on screen, let alone when he repeats what he's saying several thousand times. In a row. Loudly.
4. Sheamus seems to think it's awfully amusing that an Irish man has ownership of the United States championship. Daniel Bryan doesn't.
5. Sin Cara is going to be super fantastic and everyone thinks so because he's got a very nice, newly emblazoned name promo.
6. Ted DiBiase doesn't deserve to be used as a punching bag.
7. Cody Rhodes doesn't bother with tights anymore, because he's got towelie for company.
8. Randy Orton has a very large tour bus and a very tiny wife.
9. Punk gives great skit.
10. Josh Matthews was afflicted with laryngitis and/or asleep for all of Smackdown apart from the steel cage match where he woke up and gave 110% like the little trooper he is.
11. Everyone seems to have forgotten a) what brand they are assigned to and b) that Undertaker already beat Triple H ten years ago. But a little hell up near Mania time is okay I expect.

12 days kids. Hope you've got your parties planned.

A Weeks Worth of Wonders

Well hey, when did February happen?! As you are all aware by now, the Royal Rumbled and by golly it was a good 'un. We at GTFO HQ (NOT the cupboard under the stairs) have been chanting 'DIESEL' for days now. Let's hope he sticks around for a bit.
As everything's a little laggy in my system still, we've got some Raw/Smackdowny things to catch up on. But, it mostly concerns how flipping awesome it is that Alberto Del Rio won that prestigious title shot at Wrestlemania. Three months in the company and you get the push of a lifetime. We heard one guy refer to him as 'the Mexican Kurt Angle' and if that little sliver of info's anything to go by, we've just been privy to the start of an illustrious career. I guess Fate does have her finger in all the pies.

And God knows we like pies.

It was a bit of a shame one of the big three didn't return to the fold (Jericho/Undertaker/Triple H) during the nights festivities, but we did have a sneaky little peaky at a 'Taker trail on the following Raw (build to 'Mania, get excited). It was a strange episode for the remainder though. Vickie's head must still be spinning from that KellyKelly knockdown. LOVED the Ziggler/Edge opener by the way, cause I know you asked. But honestly, the handicap title match?!? We kinda knew as soon as VG announced the 'no mo' spear ex-hubby' rule, it was pretty much a given that Barbie (Ziggler's words, not mine) was going to drive that finisher home. And since Alberto's going after the Heavyweight title, they might drop the whole angle soon anyhow. There's a bit of me that's hoping they're promoting the Divas so there's a definitive split when the Women's division gets re-instated (come on Kong/Beth/Natalya/Tamina), but this will probably only happen in my mind. In there, it kicks ass.

Although I am a mature and super important growed up, I did chuckle at Hornswoggle thwopping Del Rio in the 'nads with a big party stick. There, I said it. The guy gets double cool points since he gave an AA to Tyson Kid at the Rumble too. For the record: if I don't get a Wrestlemania Pinata at my next birthday party, it's going to be tantrum central.

Also, and this cannot go unmentioned, Booker's back sucka! Spineroonis now dished out via the announce table: one per team member, three if you're Justin Roberts and none for Cole.


Nash out.

RAW-yal Rumble Rumours

WHAT A RAW! I, for one, thoroughly enjoyed myself. Cena was on top form in the opening promo, trading jibes back and forth with The Miz and everyone was a little overexcited. Bless.

- John Morrison and Daniel Bryan made everyone else look bad.
- The Bella's maintain that they are a bit strumpety. A hair pulling match is probably on the cards. Oh goody, won't we all be looking forward to that.
- For one second it looked like Batista had returned to join the Nexus, but the absence of tattoos made us all look twice. Sources indicate that it's this rather startling chap ...

http://www.gladiatorszone.co.uk/gladiators/new/male/goliath

...which is awesome because it means that:

A: there are probably going to be some border straddling UK rivalries worked into the storylines at some point this year (Drew vs Wade vs Sheamus vs Barri), which will obviously only help national sentiments towards one another.
B: my friend gets to say that she went to school with this guy.
C: they are probably going to have to add a subtitle track to every wrestling programme from here on out.

We also discovered that it's going to be a forty man rumble this year. I might have done a little dance Too Cool style round my living room, but that would be telling.

PS/ I forgot to mention this the other week, but it was hilarious, so kudos to the commentary team for referring to something terrible by saying, 'That was Shockmaster bad'. EL OH EL.

And the Lord said 'Let There Be Smackdown'...and there was.

- I find it astounding how familiar Matt Striker is with classic cars. I know the man has an encyclopedic knowledge of move sets , specials and lockdowns, but crikey, you'd think he was reading this stuff of a piece of paper or something.

- MYSTERY SOLVED: Skip Sheffield swapped places with Ezekiel Jackson.

- Beth Phoenix is wasted in the Divas division.

- It's nice to see Wade Barrett smiling a bit more.

- That Trent Barreta chap looks like a promising addition to the high flyers roster.

- Edge has the most fabulous head of hair of anyone alive in the world today.