Back In The Straddle

Seems an awful lot has happened while I've been off on an extended hiatus, and I'm not going to a) talk about any of it or b) excuse my tardiness. So now that sincere apologies over with we'll just get right to it.

A DISCLAIMER: As with all posts that have come before, these observations will in no way reflect any sort of chronological ordering in terms of the shows' content. Most are made on the spur of the moment and without notification given to the correct authorities, and are presented to the world as they were born: suddenly and violently exploding from little grey cells, full of hope and wide-eyed wonder, though with little chance of permanence. Thank you.

RAW (Monday 9th July in the Year of Quack Quack Shucky Ducky 2012) and SMACKDOWN (Friday 13th July in the Year of Oh Lawd) - THE AGENDA.

Item One: Hair 

Apparently, everyone has been on a mission to grow their locks of late owing, I assume, to the fact that Winter is coming (if you don't get the reference, Welcome to the Internet! You'll love it here).

- Swagger's gleaming blonde bonce surely adds one more layer of evidence to the ever growing case for his paternity case against Gary Busey. And I'll stop making this comparison when one or both of them gets the hell away from my REM sleep.

- The Big Show is marvellously bicced.

- Someone needs to get Jericho some frizz-ease STAT, lest he enter the Lex Luger Hall of Hair Shame.

- Justin Gabriel, and his new leathery/verging on gimpish ring attire, comes up just short of beautifully buxom Renaissance Fayre wench. We'll see how far this goes.

- The super trim, lean mean Big Red killin' Machine, Kane, turned into Skrillex during his match with jolly green giant, John Cena.

Item Two: The Love Triangle

Once again, the WWE prove that writing storylines for girls is just not in their repertoire.  Ideas for the chaps are ten a penny, but when a female gets involved, something just seems to go soft in the creative corner [Insert your own dick joke here].

It's not my intention to go off on a tirade at this moment in time, so I'll keep this as brief as possible.

...You know what, I started writing and I couldn't succinctly summarise all the points I wanted to make, so I'll just write them down on some scrap paper and make my boyfriend watch the 36-slide Powerpoint presentation I've prepared on the subject later. What I can do, however, is simple mathematical equations...

Anime (violent and unpredicatble schoolgirls in skimpy outfits) 
 Twilight (emotionally unstable and complete drip of a female who messes with the feelings of two dudes, one of whom might be seen as abusive)


Love and kisses, The WWE Creative Team.

Item Three: Raw's 1000th Episode

Charlie Sheen.

Actually, this IS the best idea ever. Never has anyone in the history of the world been more suited to host an entirely live, PG-13 programme that is broadcast to millions of families around the world. I can't effing wait.

Item Four: The Raw General Manager

I don't usually like to write swears in this blog, but when I do, it is only to draw attention to how I really feel when one of my favourite ever things in the entire world turns around unexpectedly and brogue kicks me right in the nethers.


F*ck you, WWE.

Item Five: Acceptable in the Eighties 

There must have been some kind of announcement while I shirked my duties, because it appears that a 1980s wrestling revival has taken place. In the last week, I've witnessed Warrior-lite neons sported by up and comers Curt Hawkins (going places), Tyler Reks (trying desperately to claw back his dinosaur moniker from Brodus) and Damien Sandow (actually a Himalayan mountain). It takes a really brave man to dress like a Malibu Barbie in front of a typical wrestling crowd, I'm telling ya.

Apart from all that fancy-pantedness, there just seems to be a bit of a different atmosphere in the air. New move-sets (grapple-heavy and mat-based), an increase in fresh faces, veterans guiding (instead of gutting) greener wrestlers, big-bold gimmicks and personas - I like this stuff a lot. Whatever the guy who's making these decisions is drinking, I hope he keeps on chugging.

Other notes - ammendments to the schedule / feedback / petty cash

* I'm worried about Sin Cara. He's as yet to be in a totally entertaining match and they've gone and taken his wow-factor ring entrance away. I'm blaming both on the fact that someone still insists on mood-lighting his matches. Which bright spark thought that dimming the spots for a man already wearing a mask was a good idea?

* Money In The Bank is on today. I know because they told me about 120 times in the space of half an hour.

* Big Show does not suit a grumpy face and the Jeri-Show reunion suffered greatly for it.

* Bob Backlund - Looks like the love-child of the Milky Bar kid, Ronald Reagan and the guy from the front of the MAD magazine. Also, Bob Backlund - Why? 

* The Tag Team division can still be found in the black pit of despair that sits underneath Vince McMahon's desk.

And finally, a question is put to the room...

When you have worked so hard at assembling a ridiculously awesome and very prestigious amount of talent for your roster, WWE, why do you insist on not showing it off in front of everyone and going 'Nur-nur na-ner-ner' and instead opt to waste time with frankly upsetting skits and 're-matches' involving cringeworthy and entirely over-used commentators (GDYC)? Is it because you can?

If the answer is yes, that is why you suffer so much scorn.

If the answer is no, pull your flipping finger out and show me some wrestling. I know you can do it if you apply yourself.

Pretty please.


We'RAW'll In This Together

RAW 2nd April 2012

To sum up concisely and efficiently...

Punk calls Johnny a 'toolbox' and it has thrown a spanner in the works.

The elusive new beast from the East is Albert with Japanese all over his face. Supposedly, it is important that he has a vice like finisher to match the inevitable threat of Khali's 'Noggin Crusher' or 'Skull Chop' or whatever.

A-Ry go bye-bye.

Brodus Clay is not only the funkiest, but also the funniest thing on television.

Jack Swagger is just one of the many who got new ring attire for Wrestlemania. Though, no-one else's makes them look quite so much like a hammerhead shark.

Eve is eve-il now. And 'Ho-ski' chants may feed into the misogyny of the WWE universe, but they're funny as hell.

Between The Rock and Laurinaitis, some things were mentioned about the importance of people. No-one seems to have realised that this might prove contradictory in the long term.

Roberto Rodriguez has been working on the length of Alberto del Rio's opening. I realise what I just typed could be seen as being very rude, but I'm going to leave it like that anyway.

Jericho is still trying to force feed Punk alcohol and I have yet to see anyone rocking THIS SHIRT.

The love for Daniel Bryan is life-affirming. Oh yes, yes, yes it is.

And finally...BROCK F-5inG LESNAR.


Fast and Furious We Ride the Universe.

Just so you know, the noise was sort of like a...


If you've ever seen that video of the kid getting an N64, you'll know how I felt.

I just scared the cat. He looks pissed.

So...It Begins

At this precise moment I am being a bit of a naughty noodle, as I am in the office (yes, I AM fancy) and should be doing important office-y things. I must state however, that I am currently in a constant state of hyper-panic due to my job involving lots of internet face time and not having yet watched yesterdays Raw. I realise I have been a bit of a slow-loris on the whole posting front of late, but I have been too busy marking out over the current title holders after TLC and other such excellent events. Also, I apologise to no man. Only to my mother. Frequently. Anyway, if the mystery man turns out to be Jericho, I will attach a link to a sound clip of how my voice sounded at the exact moment of the announcement. I hope tinnitus doesn't run in your family.

Happy New Year. The world ends with you.