RETURN (r-tûrn)
v. re·turned, re·turn·ing, re·turns
1. To go/come back, as to an earlier condition or place.
2. To revert in speech, thought, or practice.
3. To revert to a former owner.
4. To answer or respond.
There is little that has happened in the last few weeks of the WWE that doesn't want to make me behave like a small child who is first in line at the new all-you-can-scoff-for-a-dollar sweetie shop that just opened up next door to a bouncy castle. Somewhere in this analogy there is also a free bike and a Playstation (other consoles are available). Okay Okay, so there have been the odd forgettable match-ups and oddlier (?) thought out promos, but I'm willing to forgive because I'm saintly like that. Plus, I'm feeling sprightly after that nostalgic twang that's been giving me a bit of jip seems to have settled down a tad. Of course, this might have something to do with the company going year 2000 a go-go on its talent roster. Anyone complaining?....Nah, didn't think so.
But seriously now, without beginning a rousing chorus of Simon and Garfunkel's 'Hello Darkness My Old Friend', I would like to welcome you all back, neon gods and sensible idols of mine...
Trish Stratus - brunette now, and less booby than last time we saw you. Women's champ at a time when boys and girls were allowed to play together. Bad catchphrase.
Christian - came to help your brother (wait...are they still using that?) and kept touching your pectoral boo-boo. You helped put del Rio over and we thank you greatly for it. You look good.
The Undertaker - oh Phenom birthed from parts unknown, come back to claim your 'Mania throne. Silenced those rumour mills that kept chanting for Sting. Fedora in tact, but no Mcwifey on arm. They probably won't work that in. Probably.
Triple H - a spanner in the bloody works aren't you sausage! Five minutes of ovation and lots and lots of staring (at the Wrestlemania sign/The Undertaker/the sign/the crowd/Taker/the sign). Good god man! Didn't you see what happened to your buddy last year? Great to have you back...better to hear Lemmy's gravelly, death rattle, demon inducing vocals.
Couple these ring-leaders with other exciting figures from my misguided youth i.e. Booker T, Kevin Nash, The Rock and that Stone Cold chap, and this year looks like it's shaping up to whoop rather a substantial amount of arse. Yay.
15.2.11
Well Blow Me Smack-Down!
Well, this was going to be a rather weighty post concerning the nature of our twice weekly sports entertainment shows, but something tells me all that would be a little redundant in the face of the closing events of Monday Night Raw. If you've been sitting under a rock (nudgenudge winkwink) this is what happened....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLi3mHUVGNQ
(WARNING: THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU THIS WEEK)
...and now I can't sit still.
PS/ He's about to get all up in Cena's bid-ness.
Everything will resume as normal once I've calmed down a bit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLi3mHUVGNQ
(WARNING: THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU THIS WEEK)
...and now I can't sit still.
PS/ He's about to get all up in Cena's bid-ness.
Everything will resume as normal once I've calmed down a bit.
8.2.11
A Raw Recipe
INGREDIENTS
You will need:
- a full line up of faces and heels
- a healthy measure of over-excitement
- a special guest appearance
- several large doses of Elimination Chamber promos
- a quart of blood (preferably of the nose)
- natty pop culture references (mostly Superbowl, if available)
- three cups of funny fan signage
- squirty cream/hairspray/something misty that looks incredibly dramatic on camera
- medium to large facial expressions ranging from sadistic to ecstatic
- a new line of merchandise
- a twist of lime (for decoration)
METHOD:
NOTE: It is vitally important that one adds a pinch of promo at each stage of this recipe.
* Begin by blindsiding audience with Vince McMahon. Pepper in an announcement about a mystery guest host. Leave to stew until next Monday.
* Whip up all your roster into an alarming frenzy - including your announce team. Have Cole mellow into a near bearable human being. Then bring out The Miz utensil.
* Add an unexpected splash of claret to really heat things up.
* Stir up audience sympathies via your Lawler Kingstomatic 2000.
* Use your most recent PPV winner (in new Eagle pants) to deflate those 'that guy shoulda won' rumours.
* Drop in a hint of Taker.
* Throw in some Smackdown mentions for flavour, but remember to remove in two minutes (otherwise they will overpower the formula).
* Parboil Cena until soft. Then immediately cool for a tough but tasty exterior (if this is to your liking).
* Blend. Add zest.
Serves 1 - 80 million fans worldwide (approx)
Enjoy with a frosty one.
You will need:
- a full line up of faces and heels
- a healthy measure of over-excitement
- a special guest appearance
- several large doses of Elimination Chamber promos
- a quart of blood (preferably of the nose)
- natty pop culture references (mostly Superbowl, if available)
- three cups of funny fan signage
- squirty cream/hairspray/something misty that looks incredibly dramatic on camera
- medium to large facial expressions ranging from sadistic to ecstatic
- a new line of merchandise
- a twist of lime (for decoration)
METHOD:
NOTE: It is vitally important that one adds a pinch of promo at each stage of this recipe.
* Begin by blindsiding audience with Vince McMahon. Pepper in an announcement about a mystery guest host. Leave to stew until next Monday.
* Whip up all your roster into an alarming frenzy - including your announce team. Have Cole mellow into a near bearable human being. Then bring out The Miz utensil.
* Add an unexpected splash of claret to really heat things up.
* Stir up audience sympathies via your Lawler Kingstomatic 2000.
* Use your most recent PPV winner (in new Eagle pants) to deflate those 'that guy shoulda won' rumours.
* Drop in a hint of Taker.
* Throw in some Smackdown mentions for flavour, but remember to remove in two minutes (otherwise they will overpower the formula).
* Parboil Cena until soft. Then immediately cool for a tough but tasty exterior (if this is to your liking).
* Blend. Add zest.
Serves 1 - 80 million fans worldwide (approx)
Enjoy with a frosty one.
7.2.11
A Weeks Worth of Wonders
Well hey, when did February happen?! As you are all aware by now, the Royal Rumbled and by golly it was a good 'un. We at GTFO HQ (NOT the cupboard under the stairs) have been chanting 'DIESEL' for days now. Let's hope he sticks around for a bit.
As everything's a little laggy in my system still, we've got some Raw/Smackdowny things to catch up on. But, it mostly concerns how flipping awesome it is that Alberto Del Rio won that prestigious title shot at Wrestlemania. Three months in the company and you get the push of a lifetime. We heard one guy refer to him as 'the Mexican Kurt Angle' and if that little sliver of info's anything to go by, we've just been privy to the start of an illustrious career. I guess Fate does have her finger in all the pies.
And God knows we like pies.
It was a bit of a shame one of the big three didn't return to the fold (Jericho/Undertaker/Triple H) during the nights festivities, but we did have a sneaky little peaky at a 'Taker trail on the following Raw (build to 'Mania, get excited). It was a strange episode for the remainder though. Vickie's head must still be spinning from that KellyKelly knockdown. LOVED the Ziggler/Edge opener by the way, cause I know you asked. But honestly, the handicap title match?!? We kinda knew as soon as VG announced the 'no mo' spear ex-hubby' rule, it was pretty much a given that Barbie (Ziggler's words, not mine) was going to drive that finisher home. And since Alberto's going after the Heavyweight title, they might drop the whole angle soon anyhow. There's a bit of me that's hoping they're promoting the Divas so there's a definitive split when the Women's division gets re-instated (come on Kong/Beth/Natalya/Tamina), but this will probably only happen in my mind. In there, it kicks ass.
Although I am a mature and super important growed up, I did chuckle at Hornswoggle thwopping Del Rio in the 'nads with a big party stick. There, I said it. The guy gets double cool points since he gave an AA to Tyson Kid at the Rumble too. For the record: if I don't get a Wrestlemania Pinata at my next birthday party, it's going to be tantrum central.
Also, and this cannot go unmentioned, Booker's back sucka! Spineroonis now dished out via the announce table: one per team member, three if you're Justin Roberts and none for Cole.
Nash out.
As everything's a little laggy in my system still, we've got some Raw/Smackdowny things to catch up on. But, it mostly concerns how flipping awesome it is that Alberto Del Rio won that prestigious title shot at Wrestlemania. Three months in the company and you get the push of a lifetime. We heard one guy refer to him as 'the Mexican Kurt Angle' and if that little sliver of info's anything to go by, we've just been privy to the start of an illustrious career. I guess Fate does have her finger in all the pies.
And God knows we like pies.
It was a bit of a shame one of the big three didn't return to the fold (Jericho/Undertaker/Triple H) during the nights festivities, but we did have a sneaky little peaky at a 'Taker trail on the following Raw (build to 'Mania, get excited). It was a strange episode for the remainder though. Vickie's head must still be spinning from that KellyKelly knockdown. LOVED the Ziggler/Edge opener by the way, cause I know you asked. But honestly, the handicap title match?!? We kinda knew as soon as VG announced the 'no mo' spear ex-hubby' rule, it was pretty much a given that Barbie (Ziggler's words, not mine) was going to drive that finisher home. And since Alberto's going after the Heavyweight title, they might drop the whole angle soon anyhow. There's a bit of me that's hoping they're promoting the Divas so there's a definitive split when the Women's division gets re-instated (come on Kong/Beth/Natalya/Tamina), but this will probably only happen in my mind. In there, it kicks ass.
Although I am a mature and super important growed up, I did chuckle at Hornswoggle thwopping Del Rio in the 'nads with a big party stick. There, I said it. The guy gets double cool points since he gave an AA to Tyson Kid at the Rumble too. For the record: if I don't get a Wrestlemania Pinata at my next birthday party, it's going to be tantrum central.
Also, and this cannot go unmentioned, Booker's back sucka! Spineroonis now dished out via the announce table: one per team member, three if you're Justin Roberts and none for Cole.
Nash out.
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