In This Life...Or The Next.

If Vengeance is a dish best served cold, then this year's event was the equivalent of a sorbet-fuelled Christmas on an Antarctic iceberg. Possibly with the addition of Snoop Dog. Y'know, because he's cool. And that's metaphorical. Seriously though, if every PPV were executed like this, world history would have to be re-written with 'McMahon' standing in for 'guillotine'. That's right, kids, I just went educational on you. PIPE BOMB!

Waiting to Capitalise.

So, that last post was a little lacklustre to say the least. It was a thinly veiled attempt at a post, a lame duck distracting you from my complete failure at being on the ball the last few weeks. BUT, in true Laurinaitis style, I shall win you over by first rasping an apology, offending Mexico and then giving you JR back...




..you are so welcome.

Anyhoops, this is how things are going down right now in my version of the world. Bear in mind, if you please, that as of this exact moment I have not watched Vengeance, but this will be rectified once the grown ups are out and I don't have to explain why the men in pants are fighting again.

Randy Orton teased us a little while ago with a sort of change of tact, going from regularly functioning psycho to happy, 'look what I maimed, Ma' relatable psycho. Not a big change, I know, but a change nonetheless. It was pretty funny actually, and summed up most notably during the Summerslam match with Christian, where he gave a big ol' bloody thumbs up to the camera while grinning like a merry maniac. Bet that went down well with the board. It seemed he worked it like this for a while - even doing a highly uncharacteristic jig during a Smackdown match - and was generally having a jolly rumpus of a time, until a couple of weeks ago where he reverted back to stage 1 psychosis (see above for details) and then went off the chart and into FULL BLOWN SOCIOPATH WITH MURDEROUS INTENT territory. At this point, I'd like to stop talking about Orton, because I fully believe the man might be watching me from the garden and I'm scared.

Did that curtain just twitch? I want my mum.

Now to Raw ruminations. As little fun as it is to discuss guest hosts beyond the inevitable mumbles of inadequacy and 'I think they missed the point'-ness of it all, I would like to congratulate one Mister Huge Ackman on his appearance. I think the man is either a fan or he did his homework. Either way, thanks for not making me want to die with embarrassment for you. Playing him off against Vickie and her harem Zig Swag (you just wait and see) and pairing him with Ryder was inspired. Nailed the tone as accurately as he nailed Ziggler with that *slightly* too realistic looking sock to the jaw. Approved.

How about this COO debacle then? To be perfectly honest, John Laurinaitis bores me and all I really want to do when he appears on the screen is shout his name out in a poorly imitated version of his voice and check my phone to see if he's texting me. He never is. There's a little bit of me that's wondering if this nonsense is going to pan out like the suspiciously AWOL Raw GM angle did, but that would be really idiotic on the company's part wouldn't it? Fool me once, WWE, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame...us o'shaunessy? I never did get the hang of that idiom.

On the upside, CM Punk and Triple H are totally doing that 'respecting each other' thing and teaming up to take on the traitors/ref bullies/corporate moles of R-Truth and The Miz. This pairing is working out really, really well for the older members of the WWE Universe who, I'm pretty sure, as one hive-mind think that it is supremely kick ass. And, they're right. Largely because a) it may lead to some potentially great wrestling matches b) Punk was allowed to commentate again and c) the universe held a shared mental image of Hunter wrestling a broom stick in just his undercrackers and dress shoes. What is more fabulous than that?

'Air Boom' - really kids? Really? You'll have to deal with the shame of inflicting that name upon us in years to come and you'll deserve the anguish it causes you. The hive mind does not forget. And neither will you.

Is it just me, or does every 'One From the Vault' match on Smackdown have Chris Jericho in it? Don't get me wrong, this is great, but I'm starting to read into it in one of two very differing ways depending on what mood I'm in...
Scenario 1: He's never coming back but they don't want us to forget him.
Scenario 2: He's coming back and they don't want us to forget him.
The former makes me want to cry myself to sleep at night, the latter makes me so excited I want to wee. How oddly the body is affected by emotion.

So Kelly Kelly's turning heel, is that right? I'd be interested, but the woman has the personality of a beached Magikarp and the voice of a dial-up connection. In other Diva news, Gail Kim went back to TNA. Read into that what you will.

Right, dinner's ready and Vengeance is on at nine. I'm going to write some notes while I'm watching so I can ignore them in time for the next post. Enjoy your evening wrestle hounds. Your new mission, if you choose to accept it, is to be astounded by as many ordinary things as you can and shout 'OH...MY...GOODNESS' a la Booker T at every possible everyday occurrence.

Have a nice day.

Dubble U, Double Dubble U. Why Kay Eye!

Phoenix and Natty took Kharma's storyline because she got all pregnant and stuff.

The Awesome Truth (totally sussed the name by the way - honest) got canned. Their mic skills are to be commended.

Rhodes/Dibiase rivalry - yes.

Summerslam was ace.

Night of Champs was ace.

''Super Shows'' - branding now out the window.

Triple H is CEO - like, totals OMG Hunter. The corporate website is not up to date (like, LOL).

Kurt Angle is in that Warrior movie, which also stars Tom Hardy so I didn't notice anything else.

TNA is dangerously bollocks (and is still trying really hard to prove it).

Bret Hart/Edge/Trish appearances - bring out your Canadians (Monty Python style).

I thought of a Heath Slater pun - One Man Rock Bland.


English language will return in due course.

Later.

Coming Clean

Firstly, I've been a lazy ass. I could blame lack of content, but that's simply not true, so I'm going to blame Chavo getting let go instead. Now...back to the action.

Things have been hotting up in a serious way. I think it all started when Dolph Ziggler changed his hair to a moody black. Things got a little strained for a while, only to pop back with a big bang and hoo-hah, of which I believe everyone is a fan. Now he's back to his gloriously blonde bonce, promo-ing like a pro with Vickie in tow (yo) and summer is in full swing.

Now, I'm not sure if HQ hired some new creative, but something tasty has been injected into the writing of late. A syringe full of old school fan-friendliness perhaps. I'm imagining the team sitting round the table all with squirrelly cheeks stuffed full of the nuts they've been saving all throughout Winter and Spring, and now we're finally getting a chance to gnaw on the goodies. Convoluted metaphor? Why yes, captain. Seems that someone up there appreciates the classics though.

I'm referring mostly, of course, to the CM Punk angle that is quote/unquote ''so hot right now''. There's so much planning gone into this storyline, it's easy to see why the last couple of months have been a bit lacking. I can't even begin to describe all of the brilliance that's helped make this happen, but in essence, it's taken Punk from almost repugnant heel to the saviour he always said he'd be. Amen. I love that Vince has okayed this angle, and opened up this juicy can of worms for all of us to see. His direct involvement seems to further cement his belief in it. Breaking kayfabe just got promoted to prime time. Boom baby.

Decent tag team action has been in abundance lately. Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase being back together makes me a rather happy chappy and this, coupled with their winning of things makes for swell televisual treats. Cody is still rocking the nutso persona, though I think his paper bag handling cronies could look a little more 'into it' when dishing out those lovingly crafted masks. Maybe they've had to spend hours making them...sweat shop style. And think about all those trees that had to be cut down. Man, this post just got political. Pah...wrestling and politics. What a silly thought.

Another merry psycho we've noticed a lot of lately has been the charming young R-Truth. Personally, I'm quite glad they've chosen to forego the seriously deranged in favour of the comedic crazy. It works better for him and he looks like he's very much enjoying it. It allows him to fluff his lines and get away with it too. Y'know, cause he's all insane and stuff. Just not AS insane as Mark Henry (who, I'm pretty sure, is a Titan). Oddly, now that R-Truth has foregone his music, Vladimir Kozlov seems to have inherited some.

There's been so much actual real-life, gosh-darn decent wrestling recently it's hard to pick out just a few matches to talk about. So I won't. But, credit where credits due, I think the surge in new talent makes the veterans think about upping their game and pushing for spots that remind us why they're there. It's not just for the specials or move sets, but for their in-ring savvy and mat psychology. The stuff that makes us go 'ooh' and 'ahh'. Sadly, I no longer 'ooh' at a 619 or an AA or an RKO. These new energetic matches however, they make me go 'ooh'. Some of them even make me go 'woo woo woo'.

And finally:

Sgt. Slaughter and Evan Bourne aren't natural tag team buddies.

Mike McGillicutty's back!

Chris Jericho is appearing in an awful lot of the Money in the Bank trailers.

Alex Riley is actually quite good.

Sheamus is on fire (...not a ginger joke...).

Tamina looks largely pissed that she's been made to dress like a Diva and lose to AJ. But AJ plays the XBox and only boys play the XBox so it's ok to lose to her because she's like, totally a tom boy. Bite me.

I love you WWE.

Go Long...a weighty catch up.

Apologies for going AWOL, but one does not simply walk into Mordor. Sorry, not Mordor...London.

Without dredging up the past, I feel I should mention a couple of things before normal broadcast resumes.

Wrestlemania was not the best or the worst. I had a very wordy draft about this and could go on, but I feel there were enough critiques of the event without me sticking my splintered oar in. Highlight: Cody Rhodes' new entrance (comic book villain extraordinaire) and The Miz's pre-match trail package. Awesome. Lowlight: Lawler/Cole. Well...just Cole. The less said about the subsequent JR humiliations and knighthoods the better. It was bordering on Boogeyman/Lillian mole territory. Not suitable for vegetarians or royalists.

The Hall of fame was really very good. Drew Carey getting inducted by Kane was swell, the partially posthumously awarded Road Warriors were gracious and Hunter and Shawn had a right old love-in. As did everyone else at the party. And and and...The Miz was sitting next to Maryse and possibly grazing her thigh *snicker*.

Edge retired and it was like cry-a-long-a-wrestling for a while. But it nicely segued into a Christian/Del Rio feud. Christian deserved that title for longer than it took Orton to run away with it. Again.

CM Punk has a plethora of coloured pants. The PPV ones match his Nexus t-shirt. I don't know why this is important.

R-Truth turned heel on the UK dates, perhaps in one of the most awkward exchanges between humans ever witnessed. Jo-Mo is taking a break, possibly to abscond the Prince of Parkour throne. Some British bird by the commentary table was screaming, ''THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!'' when Truth was waving his naughty naughty cigarette everywhere. well done that woman.

Something Bella won the Diva's Championship and guerilla style backstage footage seems to suggest a little hostility between some of the ladies in the locker room. To me, it appeared that Gail Kim, Tamina, Beth and Natty were consciously separating themselves from the others (by way of punching them in the face and telling them to learn how to wrestle)...but I might have been dreaming. Fingers still crossed for the re-introduction of the women's belt though. I wonder which road the recently estranged LayCool will take. Kharma's a b*tch ain't it! NB: I will run out of Kharma puns eventually.

Mr Vince came out of his coma to wish The Rock a very happy birthday. Everyone else was almost put into a coma because some genius decided to book some godawful popstrels to perform. And Paul Walker. Ron Simmons saved everything.

The draft didn't help those brand confusion matters.

Kane and Big Show are tagger champs, but Mason Ryan is quite scary too and may adopt the Orton-inspired 'Way of the Psycho'. I fully expect him to have a rabid animal inspired moniker in the next month or so.

Dolph Ziggler is serious now and therefore has dark hair to prove it. I liked his old persona, but the man's a great asset, so I hope the new one works for him.

One final thing...if you are a bully, then the WWE hates you. This is no way ironic.

On with the music.