We'RAW'll In This Together

RAW 2nd April 2012

To sum up concisely and efficiently...

Punk calls Johnny a 'toolbox' and it has thrown a spanner in the works.

The elusive new beast from the East is Albert with Japanese all over his face. Supposedly, it is important that he has a vice like finisher to match the inevitable threat of Khali's 'Noggin Crusher' or 'Skull Chop' or whatever.

A-Ry go bye-bye.

Brodus Clay is not only the funkiest, but also the funniest thing on television.

Jack Swagger is just one of the many who got new ring attire for Wrestlemania. Though, no-one else's makes them look quite so much like a hammerhead shark.


Eve is eve-il now. And 'Ho-ski' chants may feed into the misogyny of the WWE universe, but they're funny as hell.

Between The Rock and Laurinaitis, some things were mentioned about the importance of people. No-one seems to have realised that this might prove contradictory in the long term.

Roberto Rodriguez has been working on the length of Alberto del Rio's opening. I realise what I just typed could be seen as being very rude, but I'm going to leave it like that anyway.

Jericho is still trying to force feed Punk alcohol and I have yet to see anyone rocking THIS SHIRT.

The love for Daniel Bryan is life-affirming. Oh yes, yes, yes it is.

And finally...BROCK F-5inG LESNAR.

Fast and Furious We Ride the Universe.

Just so you know, the noise was sort of like a...

''SCreeeeeeeAAARRAARRRRGGHHHHHohmygodit'sjerichoohmygodit'sreallyhimaaaaAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHHHYESYESYESYESYES!!''

If you've ever seen that video of the kid getting an N64, you'll know how I felt.

I just scared the cat. He looks pissed.

So...It Begins

At this precise moment I am being a bit of a naughty noodle, as I am in the office (yes, I AM fancy) and should be doing important office-y things. I must state however, that I am currently in a constant state of hyper-panic due to my job involving lots of internet face time and not having yet watched yesterdays Raw. I realise I have been a bit of a slow-loris on the whole posting front of late, but I have been too busy marking out over the current title holders after TLC and other such excellent events. Also, I apologise to no man. Only to my mother. Frequently. Anyway, if the mystery man turns out to be Jericho, I will attach a link to a sound clip of how my voice sounded at the exact moment of the announcement. I hope tinnitus doesn't run in your family.

Happy New Year. The world ends with you.

Blasting The Cole Face

Apologies for going a bit AWOL in the last couple of weeks folks. Family matters of a strictly Canadian nature took over and I've had to catch up on my fightin' fix over the last couple of days. Of the twenty minutes of Raw I did catch whilst avoiding the moose and moguls, that angry bald chap Steve appeared and mussed up some of Michael Cole's business, so that was nice.

Speaking of family (and awfully contrived segues) and to add another tasty layer to our Attitude/Millennium Era trifle, what a Sexay surprise greeted us on Raw this past week. For all the good it did Bryan Christopher (aka. Lawler Jnr.) to show up and express his daddy issues via Cole's taunting, the man did whip out those funky dance maneuvers to one of the best (read: grin inducing) entrance themes of the past ever. Banging it indeed.
On the other side of a child welfare case, we got to see the ever-so-blonde-still American Dream Dusty Rhodes supporting his son's obvious insanity by helping him smash up Rey's face. I worry about that family. I really do.

Speaking of Cole, and I'll keep this brief because the man is literally beginning to bare down on my psyche, it was a bit much to have him stick that ankle lock to JR (ps. yay! JR!). If the man gets any more hateful he will have to start sleeping in a cell for his own protection. Probably from Justin Roberts. Congratulations to the company for creating such a great villain though, glass case of emotion and all.

Speaking of emotions, a pumped up, p*ssed off Sheamus went ahead and won himself the US title from an on top form (as always) Daniel Bryan. There was a tiny piece of me (by my patella, thanks for asking) that thought our Celtic Warrior might turn face after this losing streak/King of the Ring curse thing, but I think that minor theory got hung out to dry by a big boot to the face and trash talk.

Speaking of curses......Snooki. At Wrestlemania. Yup. That happened.

Speaking of Wrestlemania, someone's been furiously editing a nice lot of promo trails for the ever expanding card. Triple H vs Undertaker should be a slobberknocker fest of the meatiest proportions. Plus, HBK is looking set to make an appearance or two before and at the event. The No Holds Barred stipulation could mean some run ins, but I reckon The Game will want to take out The Phenom by himself. Guts and glory and all that. If this match up is anything near to the calibre of the previous streak extenders, then I am ready to be blown away (like a big purple pinwheel!).

Speaking of streaking, I should mention also that Chris Jericho will be appearing in this year's Dancing with the Stars. I'm pretty sure no-one knows how to react to this just yet. Kudos to The Sun (NOT A MISPRINT) for using the headline 'Break the Waltz Down'. Ace. Let's hope he'll 'Y 2 sashay' his way to victory...

I'm going to wash my mouth out now.

A Weeks Worth of Wonders

Well hey, when did February happen?! As you are all aware by now, the Royal Rumbled and by golly it was a good 'un. We at GTFO HQ (NOT the cupboard under the stairs) have been chanting 'DIESEL' for days now. Let's hope he sticks around for a bit.
As everything's a little laggy in my system still, we've got some Raw/Smackdowny things to catch up on. But, it mostly concerns how flipping awesome it is that Alberto Del Rio won that prestigious title shot at Wrestlemania. Three months in the company and you get the push of a lifetime. We heard one guy refer to him as 'the Mexican Kurt Angle' and if that little sliver of info's anything to go by, we've just been privy to the start of an illustrious career. I guess Fate does have her finger in all the pies.

And God knows we like pies.

It was a bit of a shame one of the big three didn't return to the fold (Jericho/Undertaker/Triple H) during the nights festivities, but we did have a sneaky little peaky at a 'Taker trail on the following Raw (build to 'Mania, get excited). It was a strange episode for the remainder though. Vickie's head must still be spinning from that KellyKelly knockdown. LOVED the Ziggler/Edge opener by the way, cause I know you asked. But honestly, the handicap title match?!? We kinda knew as soon as VG announced the 'no mo' spear ex-hubby' rule, it was pretty much a given that Barbie (Ziggler's words, not mine) was going to drive that finisher home. And since Alberto's going after the Heavyweight title, they might drop the whole angle soon anyhow. There's a bit of me that's hoping they're promoting the Divas so there's a definitive split when the Women's division gets re-instated (come on Kong/Beth/Natalya/Tamina), but this will probably only happen in my mind. In there, it kicks ass.

Although I am a mature and super important growed up, I did chuckle at Hornswoggle thwopping Del Rio in the 'nads with a big party stick. There, I said it. The guy gets double cool points since he gave an AA to Tyson Kid at the Rumble too. For the record: if I don't get a Wrestlemania Pinata at my next birthday party, it's going to be tantrum central.

Also, and this cannot go unmentioned, Booker's back sucka! Spineroonis now dished out via the announce table: one per team member, three if you're Justin Roberts and none for Cole.


Nash out.

Preparation (Triple) H

Fifteen days 'til the Rumble boys and girls! Get your hypotheses on surprises of the evening out now. My list includes Bob Backlund, largely because I want to see my friend's horrified face scream ''NOOOOOOOO'' Revenge of the Sith style, and something along the lines of a Rhodes face-off. Any of the clan will do. Double word score for Dustin and Cody appearing together and being forced to battle it out. Preferably with some homosexual intonation (not toward each other) to really get that liberal crowd going. I'm hoping the big flappy hands and say 'oh my golly' moment will have something to do with Triple H, Jericho or the anonymous Raw GM, because they are OBVIOUSLY not saving that little nugget of gold for Wrestlemania. Unlikely appearances to be made by: Jeff Hardy, Chyna, Rikishi (highly embarrassing his sons...''Daaaaad, not the thong, that's so inappropriate'' etc) or Stephanie McMahon.

SOUL SEARCHING

As I recently discovered, when brutally interrogated on a night out (read: quiet evening in), Rey Mysterio (Jnr) is my joint third favourite wrestler. He lives next to Mick Foley and his garden backs onto Number 2) Chris Jericho who persistently hits the fence of Number 1) The Undertaker, with sticks. Probably on the corner of Know Your Role Boulevard.

Possible reasons:

- Mysterio is small, bouncy and looks like a puppy when he takes his mask off.
- Mick Foley's face makes me happy.
- Undertaker is the ultimate almagamation of showman, badass and resilient immortal being.
- It's Chris 'effing' Jericho.

But, enough about me.