Waiting to Capitalise.

So, that last post was a little lacklustre to say the least. It was a thinly veiled attempt at a post, a lame duck distracting you from my complete failure at being on the ball the last few weeks. BUT, in true Laurinaitis style, I shall win you over by first rasping an apology, offending Mexico and then giving you JR back...




..you are so welcome.

Anyhoops, this is how things are going down right now in my version of the world. Bear in mind, if you please, that as of this exact moment I have not watched Vengeance, but this will be rectified once the grown ups are out and I don't have to explain why the men in pants are fighting again.

Randy Orton teased us a little while ago with a sort of change of tact, going from regularly functioning psycho to happy, 'look what I maimed, Ma' relatable psycho. Not a big change, I know, but a change nonetheless. It was pretty funny actually, and summed up most notably during the Summerslam match with Christian, where he gave a big ol' bloody thumbs up to the camera while grinning like a merry maniac. Bet that went down well with the board. It seemed he worked it like this for a while - even doing a highly uncharacteristic jig during a Smackdown match - and was generally having a jolly rumpus of a time, until a couple of weeks ago where he reverted back to stage 1 psychosis (see above for details) and then went off the chart and into FULL BLOWN SOCIOPATH WITH MURDEROUS INTENT territory. At this point, I'd like to stop talking about Orton, because I fully believe the man might be watching me from the garden and I'm scared.

Did that curtain just twitch? I want my mum.

Now to Raw ruminations. As little fun as it is to discuss guest hosts beyond the inevitable mumbles of inadequacy and 'I think they missed the point'-ness of it all, I would like to congratulate one Mister Huge Ackman on his appearance. I think the man is either a fan or he did his homework. Either way, thanks for not making me want to die with embarrassment for you. Playing him off against Vickie and her harem Zig Swag (you just wait and see) and pairing him with Ryder was inspired. Nailed the tone as accurately as he nailed Ziggler with that *slightly* too realistic looking sock to the jaw. Approved.

How about this COO debacle then? To be perfectly honest, John Laurinaitis bores me and all I really want to do when he appears on the screen is shout his name out in a poorly imitated version of his voice and check my phone to see if he's texting me. He never is. There's a little bit of me that's wondering if this nonsense is going to pan out like the suspiciously AWOL Raw GM angle did, but that would be really idiotic on the company's part wouldn't it? Fool me once, WWE, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame...us o'shaunessy? I never did get the hang of that idiom.

On the upside, CM Punk and Triple H are totally doing that 'respecting each other' thing and teaming up to take on the traitors/ref bullies/corporate moles of R-Truth and The Miz. This pairing is working out really, really well for the older members of the WWE Universe who, I'm pretty sure, as one hive-mind think that it is supremely kick ass. And, they're right. Largely because a) it may lead to some potentially great wrestling matches b) Punk was allowed to commentate again and c) the universe held a shared mental image of Hunter wrestling a broom stick in just his undercrackers and dress shoes. What is more fabulous than that?

'Air Boom' - really kids? Really? You'll have to deal with the shame of inflicting that name upon us in years to come and you'll deserve the anguish it causes you. The hive mind does not forget. And neither will you.

Is it just me, or does every 'One From the Vault' match on Smackdown have Chris Jericho in it? Don't get me wrong, this is great, but I'm starting to read into it in one of two very differing ways depending on what mood I'm in...
Scenario 1: He's never coming back but they don't want us to forget him.
Scenario 2: He's coming back and they don't want us to forget him.
The former makes me want to cry myself to sleep at night, the latter makes me so excited I want to wee. How oddly the body is affected by emotion.

So Kelly Kelly's turning heel, is that right? I'd be interested, but the woman has the personality of a beached Magikarp and the voice of a dial-up connection. In other Diva news, Gail Kim went back to TNA. Read into that what you will.

Right, dinner's ready and Vengeance is on at nine. I'm going to write some notes while I'm watching so I can ignore them in time for the next post. Enjoy your evening wrestle hounds. Your new mission, if you choose to accept it, is to be astounded by as many ordinary things as you can and shout 'OH...MY...GOODNESS' a la Booker T at every possible everyday occurrence.

Have a nice day.

Go Long...a weighty catch up.

Apologies for going AWOL, but one does not simply walk into Mordor. Sorry, not Mordor...London.

Without dredging up the past, I feel I should mention a couple of things before normal broadcast resumes.

Wrestlemania was not the best or the worst. I had a very wordy draft about this and could go on, but I feel there were enough critiques of the event without me sticking my splintered oar in. Highlight: Cody Rhodes' new entrance (comic book villain extraordinaire) and The Miz's pre-match trail package. Awesome. Lowlight: Lawler/Cole. Well...just Cole. The less said about the subsequent JR humiliations and knighthoods the better. It was bordering on Boogeyman/Lillian mole territory. Not suitable for vegetarians or royalists.

The Hall of fame was really very good. Drew Carey getting inducted by Kane was swell, the partially posthumously awarded Road Warriors were gracious and Hunter and Shawn had a right old love-in. As did everyone else at the party. And and and...The Miz was sitting next to Maryse and possibly grazing her thigh *snicker*.

Edge retired and it was like cry-a-long-a-wrestling for a while. But it nicely segued into a Christian/Del Rio feud. Christian deserved that title for longer than it took Orton to run away with it. Again.

CM Punk has a plethora of coloured pants. The PPV ones match his Nexus t-shirt. I don't know why this is important.

R-Truth turned heel on the UK dates, perhaps in one of the most awkward exchanges between humans ever witnessed. Jo-Mo is taking a break, possibly to abscond the Prince of Parkour throne. Some British bird by the commentary table was screaming, ''THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!'' when Truth was waving his naughty naughty cigarette everywhere. well done that woman.

Something Bella won the Diva's Championship and guerilla style backstage footage seems to suggest a little hostility between some of the ladies in the locker room. To me, it appeared that Gail Kim, Tamina, Beth and Natty were consciously separating themselves from the others (by way of punching them in the face and telling them to learn how to wrestle)...but I might have been dreaming. Fingers still crossed for the re-introduction of the women's belt though. I wonder which road the recently estranged LayCool will take. Kharma's a b*tch ain't it! NB: I will run out of Kharma puns eventually.

Mr Vince came out of his coma to wish The Rock a very happy birthday. Everyone else was almost put into a coma because some genius decided to book some godawful popstrels to perform. And Paul Walker. Ron Simmons saved everything.

The draft didn't help those brand confusion matters.

Kane and Big Show are tagger champs, but Mason Ryan is quite scary too and may adopt the Orton-inspired 'Way of the Psycho'. I fully expect him to have a rabid animal inspired moniker in the next month or so.

Dolph Ziggler is serious now and therefore has dark hair to prove it. I liked his old persona, but the man's a great asset, so I hope the new one works for him.

One final thing...if you are a bully, then the WWE hates you. This is no way ironic.

On with the music.

Showdowns and Rawhides

Top eleven-ish things we've learnt this week...

1. Trish Stratus wears teeny tiny undercrackers (nice work cameraman #3) and her and JoMo are probably doing it (WILD SPECULATION AFOOT).
2. Dolph Ziggler continues to be absolutely hilarious and brilliant (see right --->)
3. It is important to always have the mute button ready whenever Michael Cole appears on screen, let alone when he repeats what he's saying several thousand times. In a row. Loudly.
4. Sheamus seems to think it's awfully amusing that an Irish man has ownership of the United States championship. Daniel Bryan doesn't.
5. Sin Cara is going to be super fantastic and everyone thinks so because he's got a very nice, newly emblazoned name promo.
6. Ted DiBiase doesn't deserve to be used as a punching bag.
7. Cody Rhodes doesn't bother with tights anymore, because he's got towelie for company.
8. Randy Orton has a very large tour bus and a very tiny wife.
9. Punk gives great skit.
10. Josh Matthews was afflicted with laryngitis and/or asleep for all of Smackdown apart from the steel cage match where he woke up and gave 110% like the little trooper he is.
11. Everyone seems to have forgotten a) what brand they are assigned to and b) that Undertaker already beat Triple H ten years ago. But a little hell up near Mania time is okay I expect.

12 days kids. Hope you've got your parties planned.

Blasting The Cole Face

Apologies for going a bit AWOL in the last couple of weeks folks. Family matters of a strictly Canadian nature took over and I've had to catch up on my fightin' fix over the last couple of days. Of the twenty minutes of Raw I did catch whilst avoiding the moose and moguls, that angry bald chap Steve appeared and mussed up some of Michael Cole's business, so that was nice.

Speaking of family (and awfully contrived segues) and to add another tasty layer to our Attitude/Millennium Era trifle, what a Sexay surprise greeted us on Raw this past week. For all the good it did Bryan Christopher (aka. Lawler Jnr.) to show up and express his daddy issues via Cole's taunting, the man did whip out those funky dance maneuvers to one of the best (read: grin inducing) entrance themes of the past ever. Banging it indeed.
On the other side of a child welfare case, we got to see the ever-so-blonde-still American Dream Dusty Rhodes supporting his son's obvious insanity by helping him smash up Rey's face. I worry about that family. I really do.

Speaking of Cole, and I'll keep this brief because the man is literally beginning to bare down on my psyche, it was a bit much to have him stick that ankle lock to JR (ps. yay! JR!). If the man gets any more hateful he will have to start sleeping in a cell for his own protection. Probably from Justin Roberts. Congratulations to the company for creating such a great villain though, glass case of emotion and all.

Speaking of emotions, a pumped up, p*ssed off Sheamus went ahead and won himself the US title from an on top form (as always) Daniel Bryan. There was a tiny piece of me (by my patella, thanks for asking) that thought our Celtic Warrior might turn face after this losing streak/King of the Ring curse thing, but I think that minor theory got hung out to dry by a big boot to the face and trash talk.

Speaking of curses......Snooki. At Wrestlemania. Yup. That happened.

Speaking of Wrestlemania, someone's been furiously editing a nice lot of promo trails for the ever expanding card. Triple H vs Undertaker should be a slobberknocker fest of the meatiest proportions. Plus, HBK is looking set to make an appearance or two before and at the event. The No Holds Barred stipulation could mean some run ins, but I reckon The Game will want to take out The Phenom by himself. Guts and glory and all that. If this match up is anything near to the calibre of the previous streak extenders, then I am ready to be blown away (like a big purple pinwheel!).

Speaking of streaking, I should mention also that Chris Jericho will be appearing in this year's Dancing with the Stars. I'm pretty sure no-one knows how to react to this just yet. Kudos to The Sun (NOT A MISPRINT) for using the headline 'Break the Waltz Down'. Ace. Let's hope he'll 'Y 2 sashay' his way to victory...

I'm going to wash my mouth out now.

We're Getting The Old Band Back Together!

RETURN (r-tûrn)
v. re·turned, re·turn·ing, re·turns

1. To go/come back, as to an earlier condition or place.
2. To revert in speech, thought, or practice.
3. To revert to a former owner.
4. To answer or respond.

There is little that has happened in the last few weeks of the WWE that doesn't want to make me behave like a small child who is first in line at the new all-you-can-scoff-for-a-dollar sweetie shop that just opened up next door to a bouncy castle. Somewhere in this analogy there is also a free bike and a Playstation (other consoles are available). Okay Okay, so there have been the odd forgettable match-ups and oddlier (?) thought out promos, but I'm willing to forgive because I'm saintly like that. Plus, I'm feeling sprightly after that nostalgic twang that's been giving me a bit of jip seems to have settled down a tad. Of course, this might have something to do with the company going year 2000 a go-go on its talent roster. Anyone complaining?....Nah, didn't think so.

But seriously now, without beginning a rousing chorus of Simon and Garfunkel's 'Hello Darkness My Old Friend', I would like to welcome you all back, neon gods and sensible idols of mine...

Trish Stratus - brunette now, and less booby than last time we saw you. Women's champ at a time when boys and girls were allowed to play together. Bad catchphrase.

Christian - came to help your brother (wait...are they still using that?) and kept touching your pectoral boo-boo. You helped put del Rio over and we thank you greatly for it. You look good.

The Undertaker - oh Phenom birthed from parts unknown, come back to claim your 'Mania throne. Silenced those rumour mills that kept chanting for Sting. Fedora in tact, but no Mcwifey on arm. They probably won't work that in. Probably.

Triple H - a spanner in the bloody works aren't you sausage! Five minutes of ovation and lots and lots of staring (at the Wrestlemania sign/The Undertaker/the sign/the crowd/Taker/the sign). Good god man! Didn't you see what happened to your buddy last year? Great to have you back...better to hear Lemmy's gravelly, death rattle, demon inducing vocals.

Couple these ring-leaders with other exciting figures from my misguided youth i.e. Booker T, Kevin Nash, The Rock and that Stone Cold chap, and this year looks like it's shaping up to whoop rather a substantial amount of arse. Yay.

A Weeks Worth of Wonders

Well hey, when did February happen?! As you are all aware by now, the Royal Rumbled and by golly it was a good 'un. We at GTFO HQ (NOT the cupboard under the stairs) have been chanting 'DIESEL' for days now. Let's hope he sticks around for a bit.
As everything's a little laggy in my system still, we've got some Raw/Smackdowny things to catch up on. But, it mostly concerns how flipping awesome it is that Alberto Del Rio won that prestigious title shot at Wrestlemania. Three months in the company and you get the push of a lifetime. We heard one guy refer to him as 'the Mexican Kurt Angle' and if that little sliver of info's anything to go by, we've just been privy to the start of an illustrious career. I guess Fate does have her finger in all the pies.

And God knows we like pies.

It was a bit of a shame one of the big three didn't return to the fold (Jericho/Undertaker/Triple H) during the nights festivities, but we did have a sneaky little peaky at a 'Taker trail on the following Raw (build to 'Mania, get excited). It was a strange episode for the remainder though. Vickie's head must still be spinning from that KellyKelly knockdown. LOVED the Ziggler/Edge opener by the way, cause I know you asked. But honestly, the handicap title match?!? We kinda knew as soon as VG announced the 'no mo' spear ex-hubby' rule, it was pretty much a given that Barbie (Ziggler's words, not mine) was going to drive that finisher home. And since Alberto's going after the Heavyweight title, they might drop the whole angle soon anyhow. There's a bit of me that's hoping they're promoting the Divas so there's a definitive split when the Women's division gets re-instated (come on Kong/Beth/Natalya/Tamina), but this will probably only happen in my mind. In there, it kicks ass.

Although I am a mature and super important growed up, I did chuckle at Hornswoggle thwopping Del Rio in the 'nads with a big party stick. There, I said it. The guy gets double cool points since he gave an AA to Tyson Kid at the Rumble too. For the record: if I don't get a Wrestlemania Pinata at my next birthday party, it's going to be tantrum central.

Also, and this cannot go unmentioned, Booker's back sucka! Spineroonis now dished out via the announce table: one per team member, three if you're Justin Roberts and none for Cole.


Nash out.